By Dr. Don Dunlap
Pastoral Counselor
Review an evaluation checklist of offenses that husbands typically commit against their wives.
Family Counseling Ministries -
Are you interested in examining a checklist of ways that
husbands typically offend their wives? In this article Dr. Don Dunlap
encourages men who find it hard to identify specific ways that they offend
their wives, to read through the list carefully and prayerfully.
Listed below are some of the offenses that husbands
typically commit against their wives. As you read through this list you may
wish to check any of these offenses that apply to you.
___ 1.
Ignoring her
___ 2. Not
valuing her opinions
___ 3. Paying
other people more attention than I pay her
___ 4. Not
listening to her or not understanding what she feels is important
___ 5. Closing
her out by not talking to her or by not listening to her (the Silent Treatment)
___ 6. Being
easily distracted when shes trying to talk
___ 7. Not
scheduling special time to be with her
___ 8. Not
being open to talk about things that I dont understand
___ 9. Not
being open to talk about things that she doesnt understand
___ 10. Not
giving her a chance to fully voice her opinion on decisions that affect the
entire family
___ 11.
Punishing her by being angry or silent
___ 12. Making
jokes about certain aspects of her life
___ 13. Making
sarcastic comments about her
___ 14.
Insulting her in front of other people
___ 15. Coming
back at her with quick retorts when we are arguing
___ 16. Giving
harsh admonitions
___ 17. Using
careless words before I think through how they will affect her
___ 18.
Nagging her and speaking harshly
___ 19.
Correcting her before giving her a chance to fully explain a situation
___ 20.
Raising my voice at her
___ 21. Making
critical comments that seem to have no logical basis
___ 22.
Swearing or using foul language in her presence
___ 23.
Correcting her in public
___ 24. Being
tactless when pointing out her weaknesses or blind spots
___ 25.
Reminding her angrily that I warned her not to do something
___ 26. Having
disgusted or judgmental attitudes in general
___ 27.
Pressuring her when she is already feeling low or offended
___ 28.
Lecturing her when she needs to be comforted, encouraged, or treated gently
___ 29.
Breaking promises without any explanation or without asking to be released from
the promise
___ 30.
Telling her how wonderful other women are and comparing her in any way to other
women
___ 31.
Holding onto resentment about something that she did and which she tried to make
right
___ 32. Being
disrespectful to her family members and other relatives
___ 33.
Coercing her into arguments
___ 34.
Correcting or punishing her in anger for something that she is not guilty of
___ 35. Not
praising her for something that she did well, even if she did it for me
___ 36.
Treating her like a child
___ 37. Being
rude to her or to other people when we are in public (such as restaurant
personnel or store clerks)
___ 38. Being
unaware of her needs
___ 39. Being
ungrateful
___ 40. Not
trusting her
___ 41. Not
approving of what she does or of how she does it
___ 42. Not
being interested in her personal growth or her spiritual growth
___ 43. Being
inconsistent in my life or having double standards (doing things that I dont
want her to do)
___ 44. Not
giving her advice when she really needs it and asks for it
___ 45. Not
telling her that I love her in specific ways
___ 46. Having
proud and arrogant attitudes in general
___ 47. Not
giving her the daily encouragement that she needs
___ 48.
Failing to include her in conversation when we are out together with other
people
___ 49.
Failing to spend focused time with her when we attend social gatherings
___ 50.
Talking her downcontinuing to discuss or argue a point simply to prove that
I was right
___ 51.
Ignoring her around the house as if she werent a member of the family
___ 52. Not
taking time at the end of the day to listen to what is important to her
___ 53. Not
paying any attention to her at social gatherings
___ 54. Not
attending church together as a family
___ 55.
Failing to honestly express to her what I think are her innermost feelings
___ 56.
Showing more excitement for work and other activities than for her
___ 57. Being
impolite at mealtimes
___ 58. Having
sloppy manners around the house or in front of others
___ 59. Not
inviting her out regularly on special romantic dates (Just the two of us)
___ 60. Not
helping her with the children at extra stressful times, such as just before
mealtimes or at bedtime
___ 61. Not
volunteering to help her with the dishes occasionallyor with cleaning the
house
___ 62. Making
her feel stupid when she shares an idea about my work or about decisions that
must be made
___ 63. Making
her feel unworthy for desiring certain furniture or insurance or other material
needs for herself and the family
___ 64. Being
inconsistent with the discipline of the children
___ 65. Not
taking an interest in playing with the children and not spending quality and
quantity time with them
___ 66.
Failing to show affection for her in public, such as holding her hand or
putting my arm around her (As if I seem to be embarrassed to be with her)
___ 67. Not
sharing my life, my ideas or my feelings with her (such as whats going on at
work)
___ 68.
Neglecting the spiritual leadership of my home
___ 69.
Demanding my wife to submit to me
___ 70.
Demanding her to respond to me sexually when we are not in harmony with one
another
___ 71. Being
unwilling to readily admit when I am wrong
___ 72. Being
defensive whenever she points out one of my blind spots
___ 73. Being
too busy with work or other activities
___ 74. Not
showing compassion and understanding for her and the children when there is a
real need to do so
___ 75. Not
planning for the future, which makes her very insecure
___ 76. Being
stingy with money, making her feel that she has to beg for every penny
___ 77.
Wanting us to do things sexually that make her feel embarrassed
___ 78.
Reading pornographic magazines or watching indiscreet videos
___ 79.
Forcing her to make many of the decisions regarding the checkbook and bills
___ 80.
Forcing her to handle bill collectors and overdue bills
___ 81. Not
letting her lean on my gentleness and strength (or not having gentleness and
strength for her to lean on)
___ 82. Not
allowing her to failalways believing that I have to correct her
___ 83.
Refusing to recognize her uniqueness and her differences as a woman
___ 84.
Criticizing her womanly characteristics or sensitivity as being weakness
___ 85.
Spending too much money and placing the family under financial pressure
___ 86. Not
having a sense of humor and not joking about things together
___ 87. Not
sending her special love letters or hand-written notes from time to time
___ 88.
Forgetting special occasions like anniversaries or birthdays
___ 89. Not
defending her when somebody else is criticizing her or tearing her down,
especially if it is one of my relatives or friends
___ 90. Not
putting my arms around her and hugging her when she needs to be comforted
___ 91. Not
praising her to other people
___ 92. Being
dishonest
___ 93.
Discouraging her when she tries to better herself, either through education or
through exercise
___ 94.
Continuing to practice distasteful or harmful habits
___ 95. Not
treating her as if Handle With Care were stamped on her forehead
___ 96.
Ignoring her relatives and the people who are important to her
___ 97. Taking
her for granted; assuming that a womans work is never done
___ 98. Not
including her in future plans until the last minute
___ 99. Seldom
doing little unexpected things for her to let her know that I love her and
appreciate her
___ 100. Not
treating her as an intellectual equal
___ 101.
Viewing her as a weaker individual in general
___ 102. Being
preoccupied with my own goals and needs, and making her feel that she and the
children are not my top priority
___ 103.
Threatening to never let her do something again because she made some mistake
in the past
___ 104.
Criticizing her behind her back (This is especially painful for her if she
hears about my criticism from someone else)
___ 105.
Blaming her for things in our relationship that are clearly my fault
___ 106. Not
being aware of her physical limitations; treating her like a man by
roughhousing with her or making her carry heavy objects
___ 107. Being
impatient or angry with her when she cant keep up with my schedule or physical
stamina
___ 108.
Acting as though I am a martyr if I go along with her opinions
___ 109.
Sulking when she challenges my comments
___ 110.
Joining too many organizations that exclude her and the children
___ 111.
Failing to repair items around the house
___ 112.
Watching too much TV and therefore, neglecting family time
___ 113.
Demanding that she must sit down and listen to my point of view when she needs
to be doing other things
___ 114.
Insisting upon lecturing her in order to convey the importance of the points
that I want to make
___ 115.
Humiliating her with words and actions, saying things like, I cant stand to
live in a messy home
___ 116. Not
taking the time to prepare her to enjoy sexual intimacy
___ 117.
Spending money extravagantly without being faithful in giving to God
___ 118.
Avoiding family activities that the children enjoy
___ 119.
Taking vacations that are primarily what I want to do
___ 120. Not
letting her get away to spend time with friends, go shopping, go out for coffee
and dessert at a restaurant, etc.
___ 121. Being
unwilling to join her in the things that she enjoys like shopping, going out
for coffee and dessert at a restaurant, etc.
___ 122. Not
understanding the challenging responsibilities that a wife has: laundry,
cooking, picking up clothes and toys all day long, wiping runny noses, changing
diapers, etc.
___ 123.
Refusing to be self-sacrificial by regularly touching her in non-sexual ways,
strictly for her pleasure and enjoyment, not leading to sexual intercourse
Now go back and write out each offense expanding
specifically on each one. Then, sit down with your wife and ask her to forgive
you for every offense. This is one of the most important projects to restoring
and strengthening a marriage. Give it your best effort. She will be able to
sense any insincerity.
As men read through these items they should keep in mind
that the purpose of this list is to help them begin the process of repentance,
reconciliation and marital restoration.
Dr. Don
Dunlap, a pioneer in the placement of Pastoral Counselors in the offices of
Christian physicians, has conducted over twenty thousand appointments during
his ministerial career. His counseling practice includes adults, children and
families in crisis. Dr. Dunlap is committed to facilitating a network of
telephone counselors. His goal is to provide help for the many people unable to
meet face to face with a competent Bible-based counselor. For a complete
library of Dr. Dunlaps articles, indexed by topic, go to Family Counseling Ministries. You
may also make an appointment for personal telephone counseling by clicking on Family Counseling Ministries.
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